Miguel Unamuno was the very definition of myself. He was consumed with inner contradiction much like myself. I've been grown up in the church. I ate , pray, slept the bible. I had to say grace at dinner. I had to say my prayers before dinner. I had to be at church on the weekends learning about god, and singing the songs of the youth choir. I was force fed the religion of Christianity and considered myself a devout christian until I turned 18. That was the day i began to think for myself. I stopped going to church because my Dad couldn't force me to anymore. I no longer read the bible, or said my prayers. I began to live my own way of thought, whatever seemed rational to me. Here is where my conflict grew much like Miguel Unamuno. I was exactly stuck in the passionate commitment of spirituality vs the rationality of the human .
I couldn't fathom anymore believing in Christ . I couldn't bring myself to grips to believe Jesus performed all these so called miracles. I had strayed as far away from Christianity as i possibly could. Several months went by, i had been doing good on my own. In fact i felt like the laws of the bible was what was holding me back. I felt foolish for ever believing all of that stuff. However somewhere deep down inside i was shriveled with questioning if what if it all was real. I would definitely not be see fit in front of God. I definitely do not want to be cast down into hell either. So much like Miguel i am torn too between the passionate commitment of Christianity vs the rationality of my own human brain. Here is where i cannot agree with Miguel. I cannot see myself pursuing the saved, and holy life , my brain consistently see its as rationally as possible if the religion of Christianity can’t be 100% proven , then why believe.
Paul,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting blog post. It's kind of Ironic that after you posted this we talked about Frankl's work in finding the meaning in life. I think it's fascinating that when you turned 18 that was the day you started to think for yourself. Did you feel oppressed by your family's religious beliefs so you waited until you had rights to rebel? Or maybe it was just repressed rebellion? I wasn't raised in a religious household but i've heard that religious families can be oppressive or even in some cases narcissistic. You also mention that you still have that fear of heaven and hell and that gives you contradiction. If you were foolish in believing it, then why does the fear still exist? There must be a part of you that still believes or maybe the fear is just instilled that deeply. I think we all live with that fear because it is a predominantly christian society and we don't really know what happens after we die. I don't think you're foolish for believing in it because of the society we live in. Don't you agree that it's so much simpler to just believe? It's almost like a false guarantee there's something wonderful after this life.
-Lizz